Is It Okay to Think About Past Relationships?

Moving forward from the end of a relationship is not an easy feat. Various emotions might come up as memories of that significant person surface which can be both unnerving but also nostalgic to think about. Some who reflect on a past relationship might present with emotions like guilt, sadness, or anger. Others might focus on the positive impact the relationship has brought to their lives.

Whether this writing might remind you of a romantic relationship or a friendship that has since ended, it is important to understand what we feel about our past relationships are true, valid, and real. We can also acknowledge that our past relationships will continue to shape us in many ways.

There can be many reasons why it might be difficult to move past that. Whether it’s how we move in life or how we think, there’s a strong possibility that who we are today has been impacted by those that have been in our lives.

With a relationship ended, whether platonic or romantic, it can feel like a strong space of vulnerability. Something important that was once a present part of your life is now an absent part. Life experiences like these can have an effect differently on people. While some people might find it easy to bounce back up, others might find it harder to do so. It is important to recognize that the separation of relationships can be an overwhelming experience.

A question I would also gauge is the possibility of reflecting on past relationships and its association with a form of trauma. In that trauma here can be defined as a type of mental wound that relates to a distressing experience regarding safety, feelings of shame, or lack of affection or supportive care. Trauma can also be linked to a violent event including abuse. The distress stemming from trauma can play a role in thought processes, especially in emotional pains created by a relationship.

Regardless of why the relationship ended, it is likely that both you and the other person continue to have thoughts about each other. There may be stories about relationships that were loving, supportive, and caring that have been hurt or broken by a specific event. Or the relationship has also run its course because of the changes in life experiences. Regardless of why the relationship has ended, the emotions and narratives you feel and continue to experience are valid because of its impact on your life.

Professionals have noted that after the end of a relationship, our bodies can go through something similar to withdrawal because we both physically and emotionally miss that part of our lives. Other experts have also noted that some people can expect to go through these symptoms for up to 6 months. That an increase in social support is also important during this time especially as one of the strongest support systems is no longer a part of everyday life.

Simply put, it is normal to have thoughts and feelings about a past relationship. Some people might notice memories surfacing at a particular time after a relationship ends. While other people might have a harder time with moving forward from those recurring memories and experiences.

Here are a few reasons that can explain why:

The Relationship Hurt You

Whether the relationship was a friendship or a romance, it is understandably hard to let go of the painful experiences. If someone in your life you placed trust in hurts you, the conflicts and past pains we have not considered before can easily overcome us. This can make it easy to ruminate on the situations and try to resolve what led to either the strain or end of the relationship. Similar to grieving, the pains that have ended the relationship can manifest at specific times; and we continue to cycle through the various phases of grief because of the lost connection.

Memories

Numerous reminders or cues in everyday life can lead us to think about past relationships. After the relationship has ended, some things in our lives might be providing deep reminders. Whether it’s the pieces of a home that you’ve purchased together, a restaurant you frequented, or scrolling past a picture. These memories remind us that while a particularly hurtful event led to the relationship ending, there have also been positive experiences.

In particularly longer relationships or friendships, we can expect to have more abundance in special memories. It is okay to feel bitterness towards the relationship because of the pains it caused. But it is also okay to simultaneously cherish the memories without dismissing your thoughts that tell you the relationship was ready to end.

Something Was Left Unresolved

Just like the point about pains and hurts, an unresolved issue can leave questions wanting to be answered. But it can be more difficult to find those resolutions with the specific relationship having ended. Looking for closure from a past relationship can be common. You may have come to realize that you don’t recognize the relationship anymore and you may start to wonder why. It is understandable to have questions about a past relationship especially if there were questions about why the hurts have happened or who this person truly was. Doubt is a valid feeling to have when grieving for something you realize you did not fully understand.

Established / Thought Out Plans

This point may focus more on romantic relationships, but platonic relationships have space here too. You may have had a plan in mind with the relationship in question. Perhaps it was about moving in together, marriage, or life goals. Ending that relationship can blur the image you had for your future together. While there can be many complex reasons for why thoughts of the former relationship come up, it’s not impossible to correlate thinking about new plans for your life and how this can be similar to plans or goals you previously agreed on. Such that you now have to rethink and reevaluate the feasibility of those goals without that relationship in mind.

Wanting to Reach Out

With all these considerations, it’s recognizable that the question of whether or not to reach out comes to mind. It is understandable that the thoughts and emotions we have can push us to impulsively establish a line of communication. With the question “should I reach out?” in mind, there is no real answer to that. In that this ultimately comes down to the experience of that relationship and the situation as whole.

There may be situations such as a feeling of vulnerability or minimized safety that pull us away from reaching out. While there are also times where we want to reach out to seek an apology for the pain from that relationship. Even with the idea of seeking a form of closure, I would caution to be mindful of the possibility that we may not get the closure we want. It’s also important to recognize that neither you nor the other are obligated to reach out or seek that apology or explanation. Such that it is dependent on the nature of the relationship and whether or not reaching out is worth the hurt resurfacing further.

To Close

Is it normal to think about past relationships? Very much so. Our past experiences have shaped us in the present day regardless of how far removed the relationship is. The relationships we had in previous chapters of life continue to be a part of us in day-to-day events and even in current relationships because they help us shape them now.

Many wounds heal over time, though some might need more processing than others. Feelings and thoughts like these are normal and are valid as the relationship in question has been a part of you for a specific chapter in life.

Navigating thoughts about a lost relationship can be emotionally difficult. While it may not be all good, it’s important to be cognizant of the possibility that things were not all bad either. Every memory can be a cherished one. But it is also helpful to recognize why the pains are felt the way they were.

Having a therapeutic space to process these thoughts, memories, and emotions can be a helpful step in ensuring you are able to both grieve the relationship and move forward in life simultaneously. Thanks for taking the time to read!